What a week
Fish slapped
I wanted to write all about getting professional photos taken and how crafting an image is almost like creating a symbol for the future you will step into last week, but life happened. And boy, did it happen.
The week started with a deep and meaningful conversation where I realized that my death ruminations over the last many months were because I was in fact dying (metaphorically, don’t worry). You see, everyone always tells you that you can’t prepare for the ways that having a child will change your life. This seems utterly obvious to me. And I was prepared for the unpreparedness. Turns out, having a kid changes your life in the completely expected ways too. It wasn’t until someone in our friend circle, a mom, my age, of a two-year-old, was diagnosed with aggressive cancer, that something in me started to sound alarm bells. I began to be viscerally convinced I was dying or going to die any moment and it wasn’t that I was concerned about my own life, I was heartbroken at the thought that I would leave my sweet little baby without a mama. She recently passed away and my death ruminations kicked into 11. After several poignant conversations, it hit me. Life is utterly out of our control. We have preferences that we erroneously assume are givens. They are not. And because we have no idea where our moments will go, every moment is precious. I understood with the kind of dawning realization that trickles down your head and body like a cracked egg, that I don’t know what the future holds and all I have are the moments that make up each day. Every single one of those moments needs to matter. My son matters. My husband matters. My art matters. My family matters. My friends matter. (My parrot and my plants of course matter too). My moments cannot be filled assuming that I’ll get to these things as soon as I’m done answering, say, a work email. That’s not gonna fly anymore. If I need to tell my son he has to wait because Mama is finishing something right now, it better be because I am doing something that matters and not just doing something for some other reason. So it turns out having a child does change your life in unexpected ways. It utterly reprioritized everything in my life down to my very marrow and has shown a light onto something I was doing that I cannot continue with. My old self is dying. This new In the Moment Mother Me is being born from the ashes of my old Self.
That was Monday.
The rest of the week was consumed by a giant restructure at work which began with uncertainty and ended with my team being dissolved and me winding up in a different department on a different brand, effectively booting me out of the situation I was clutching to because of a sense of achievement. Sometimes the universe works in mysterious ways. Other times, it’s alarmingly obvious and in your face.
I had a dream a few weeks ago that I am still pondering, although given recent events, it seems like I understand its message. I was underwater going down a staircase. The water was very deep blue and off to my left, a pale pink light was backlighting some coral. I was curious about the light but suddenly very afraid of descending down the staircase any further. Just then, two large fish emerged from the inky blue. I had to duck and move my head to the side to not get hit by one which only got me in the way of the second. I felt, like really felt, the scales of the fish slap and rake against my cheek and I woke up with a start.
It feels very much that this was the realization the fish slap was meant for me to grasp. This upwelling from the deep was trying to get my attention and it was only because of the tragic death of a fellow mother that I was able to make sense of the dream assault.
Hold your loved ones close. Life and the moments that make it up matter. Thank you for being here and sharing these moments with me.
Tahiti Fish, oil on wood panel, Tahitian black pearls, 12” x 12” Available $600.
This week’s Youtube video is a start-to-finish commentary on a recently commissioned painting for a couple as a wedding present. I hope you enjoy it!
Also, please give me a follow me on Instagram @krisztina_lazar_art if you don’t already.